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Wondering what to say?

I wrote What Not to Say at a Funeral for two types of people:  
 

1) Individuals looking to navigate loss with greater understanding and support, and
 

2) Friends, family members, co-workers, roommates, acquaintances of those who are hurting and grieving... who want to know how to offer genuine comfort (while hopefully avoiding extreme awkwardness).

Orange Clouds

After all, who among us hasn't experienced loss:  death, divorce, disappointment, or otherwise?

Most people who have lost someone WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEM. They want to know that you, too, remember how their mom laughed. That his cancer didn't wipe away your memories of last year's family camping trip. That this high school teacher was the one who really made a difference when you were choosing a career path. 

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There are different scales of loss and speeds of grief. And everyone processes their hurts differently. While there's no perfect formula when it comes to pain, one of the best pieces of advice I can give you is to ask questions and be curious. Listen with empathy. And offer a hug or a plate of cookies. In my experience, that always helps. 

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If you’re not sure what to say or what to ask…here are some ideas:
 

  • It seems like you’ve had a lot on your mind recently. I just wanted to let you know I’m here for you if you want to talk about it.
     

  • What was that like for you?
     

  • What decisions do you have to make next?
     

  • Is there anything I can do at (work, home, school, etc.) to lighten your load this week?
     

  • I’m so glad you’re back in the office. I’d love to hear more about what you went through if you’re up to talking about it!
     

  • What feels heavy this week?
     

  • Did you learn anything new at your appointment?
     

  • Do you want to talk about it?
     

  • That sounds scary and stressful. How are you holding up?
     

  • It’s been a few months since X. How are you feeling today?
     

It means a lot to me when people use Hope’s name. It reminds me that she’s real, and that others acknowledge the pain of losing her is real, too.
 

  • I’m so sorry that you lost your (parent, sibling, partner, friend—if possible, use their name). What was she like?
     

  • What do you miss most about him?
     

  • What holiday traditions did you share with your mom?
     

  • What memory makes you laugh?
     

  • When does grief hit you the most?

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Try some of these next time... and let me know how it goes!
 

Adapted from What Not to Say at a Funeral, Copyright 2024, Amy Havis

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